OCTOBER 1ST

I look at myself. My past and my heart. Loath, sadness and fear fills my heart. I was conceived , I had the Adam's blood flowing through my veins. Despite knowing the law and light. My personal desires led me to the lies and deep darkness. I enjoyed the pleasures of life. Luxury, lust, longing for fame, shamelessness, lies, greed all had filled my dirty heart. I was indeed a hypocrite. 

Sometimes I could come to my senses. And see this deeds were wrong. But I had not yet killed my will. My desires were always burning me up. So I gave in. Guilt became a close scent. Many thoughts of pure evil filled my head. I harmed my Lord's temple. Leaving scars and marks. They brought more guilt. 

   I could clearly see am not fit for paradise. I was waiting for the worst. But one day I heard a bishop say. Faith is of vain if there is no self confidence. The message gave me a lesson. I need faith in my life. I have to have self confidence. 

   Another day came. A man said. You are not alone. Father sent angels assigned to you. To walk every step of life with you, to take every record of your life, to protect you, to delver message to you. This message opened my eyes. I lied down and thought through my life. If it was a movie. Mine would be x rated. I felt sorry for myself. 

  Still. Am happy. I have hope. Am not dead . Jesus is my hope. He is my salvation. My strength. And the fuel that gives me hope of eternal life. I have him. He's my brother and indeed a good friend. 

     I must take up my weapons. And fight the will of the world. And the demons pulling me down from reaching my destination. I must focus. On my sweet Jesus Christ of Nazareth. Not looking left nor right. But keeping my gaze straight forward. Till I reach the finish line. I must not turn back. Nor let my guilts hold me back. Yes I admit it. I did this and that. I did in darkness and in my deceitful heart I thought it was pleasure. Now my eyes are open. I was filled with filth. Nothing but filth. 

  A man said. The world is meaningless. Everything is meaningless. Meaningless indeed. Without hope everything is meaningless. My hope is Jesus. Without him am meaningless. With him everything around me is meaningless. I must fight indeed. So that the remaining pages will be transferred to the light book. And my series will be beautiful. And indeed not shameful as it was.